Following my previous letter to the Ukrainian security services, I sent one to the Russian FSB too. Obviously I'm posting it all here as well, the world needs to know. Below then is the letter as sent to the Kremlin's spy agency.
RE: Highly-trained Spies available for Russia in Ukraine
To whom it may concern,
I have an interesting war strategy for you, and will much appreciate it if you can pass it on to the correct departments dealing with the topic at hand. Although I'm certain you're already busy with it, I may add some helpful information.
Let me get straight to the point:
1. You need informants right inside Ukraine to tell you all sorts of interesting things, like in what closets gays hide and where Ukraine hide their many planes that Russia seemingly cannot get shot down.
2. You need more influencers, right inside Ukraine. Ones able to convince ordinary, vulnerable Ukrainian victims of war that Russia is actually good and that they should start supporting Mr Putin. Especially if the specific people I'm talking about are highly skilled in that art, ones that have free access to every nook and cranny in Ukraine, and can move openly around without arousing suspicion.
My proposed strategy here will give you both.
The influencer-strategy Russia follows works well on TikTok to get immoral rich-daddy girls in the West to portray Russia in a more favorable light, and even to convince people the world over Zelensky stole the Z in his name from a poor babuska in Siberia. It is so successful, indeed, that the White House and Pentagon expressed their concern about it.
You now need to up your influencing a notch or two, and I can suggest a team that may be interested to help you. Covertly, of course.
In advance, I would like to apologize sincerely for my lack of diplomatic skills, and would like to assure you this letter is not meant to make you feel bad. Even though you're from bad stock, it's not your fault. I will speak again to Vladimir Putin and ask him once again if it is really necessary to lure NATO to nuke you (after you nuked first, of course.)