Christian South Africans are busy packing their best clothes in a frenzy after news about the Rapture broke today. It appeared this afternoon in the comments section of the trustworthy news media service AfriNuus on Facebook, lending it even more credibility.
A devoted religious Elize Griessel said in the particular comment this afternoon that the angel Gabriel told her loud and clear, the much-anticipated rapture by the Christian god is happening in 2023.
During the interview, Mrs Griessel sported a not overly attractive, modern haircut befitting to an inferior woman, with her value being worth half that of a man, and wearing no jewelry, in line with Biblical orders.
Griessel belongs to the superior white race Boerbarians in South Africa, and resides in a small town now after leaving the Gomorrah capital city Pretoria. (With nearby Johannesburg being Sodom; see, it's all in the Bible.)
It's her selected-by-God-himself ethnic group that kept Apartheid up and running, because her Book of Truth said goats and sheep don't mix. It is important to uphold the orders of God when it suits oneself, boerbarians and blackies alike believe.
Using sound religious logic, maybe black people look like goats and white people like sheep. My top secret investigative correspondent in South Africa got a bitch slap, though, when she wanted to measure the noses of some people to check the accuracy of it. So now we'll never know.
On the plus side, she could find no farms in South Africa having both goats and sheep, therefore the Bible must be true. And the Bible itself says the Bible is true so that makes the Bible true.
By Mrs Griessel's own account, she spoke personally to the honorable angel that guards the Pearly Gates. He spoke back, as good manners dictate, and it's not schizophrenia because it's religion. He then made the announcement to her that it's soul-grabbing time soon.
Gabriel is something like the head of security at the Gates, making sure unforgiven sinners don't try their luck to go and see their loved ones a last time before checking in at Hotel Hell. Especially those that haven't stoned divorced women and people working on Sundays to death with stones will have no luck getting into heaven. One needs to carry out the orders in the Bible to get in, or risk making baby Jesus cry.
It's a fact that Christians do not fabricate stories or suffer from mental illnesses, ask any Christian, thus rendering the far and few between criticisms at the post from demonic Satanists moot. Readers can therefore take the exhilarating announcement of Mrs Griessel at face value without questioning her sanity.
The rapture news broke by divine intervention, after AfriNuus made a totally unrelated post about NASA that recorded a small part of the sun breaking off. Must be climate change, we've seen it with the ice glaziers on Earth as well.
Boerbarians are a subcomponent of Afrikaners, and they take great pride in being called 'dof' as a compliment on their excellent spelling in their mother tongue Afrikaans.
It is also customary, almost compulsory, for them to introduce the world to the Lawd and Savior Jesus Kraaist in the comment section of any and all FB groups, regardless of the topic at hand or purpose of the group. Just in case someone missed the memo about how worthless all people are without Gawd. Special people, those chosen ones.
It should be made known to mankind, that all ten million scientists of the evil world are secretly convening every Easter on an island of undisclosed location in the Bermuda triangle. There they fabricate and agree on what lies to tell to God's chosen people. George Soros and Bill Gates pay for all the expenses, and it's rumored that the scientists engage in Satanic practices like wearing tattoos there as well.
Fortunately, underneath the broken sun post, some Boerbarians were quick to point out NASA's fallacies and to debunk the lie that part of the sun broke off. One rebel dared to point out that it's a common occurrence, and that it's only now the first time NASA got to record it live on video as it was happening, but the blasphemer was immediately dragged to the proverbial altar of censorship and shouted to death. He almost corrupted someone's mind, for Kraaist sake!
Two Boers that did their research elsewhere on Facebook quickly established that NASA's scientists don't know what they're talking about. Big words like 'solar flare' were thrown around, necessitating the need to call in a pastor to mediate on how to define a flare. It was then established that it looks like a SOS flare one fires off when your boat is busy sinking, and that led to some good people praying for the sinking people on the sun.
Meanwhile, other Boerbarians confirmed that the end of the world is near, by saying the end of the world is near.
As all truths need an element of mystery, Mrs Griessel with a shy smile refused to give an exact date of when the grabbing will happen. She was only willing to say that she believes it will be before the 1st of September, officially the first day of Spring season in South Africa, but this year also when the 'mark of the beast' will appear. (Woke alert: Honey bees may feel offended. Counseling can be provided.)
It's unclear what exactly the mark is, as the patient was called to go drink her meds, and my reporter had to act like a psychologist doing her rounds through the wards again.
Good god, the tales' people spin.
*This post is dedicated to one of my critics whom is so important to me that I forgot her name. Seriously, it bothers me, this convenient memory. Trina or Tina or something. (Riëtte Smit, maybe you'll know.) Will rectify when I remember. She took issue with my banal use of swearing words in a previous post. As promised, I refrained from strong language and also said only nice things about wonderful people in this post. 😇
**Secondly, I would like to thank you, the reader, for sharing this post, so that you won't have seven years of bad luck. 😉
**This post is satire. Also, no soul grabbing happening. Grow TF up.
Disclaimer: 'Wisdoms' that people placed into the public domain remains theirs, and I'm gallant enough not to remove or blur out their names on screenshots. Future generations deserve to see how smart Boerbarians were.
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