I'm thinking of taking up a new hobby. Remember how people used to have pen pals for decades, without ever meeting each other, across continents? Then email came in the 1990s, and kind of killed it all. Poof, gone is the spirit over the fallen wall of international barriers.
Where's the anticipation of awaiting a letter, imagining on a map the route the written letter undertook, how many virus-free – no viruses back then – hands handled it, and then finally seeing the mailman coming on his bicycle down the road. And fleetingly wondering why you look so much like the mailmen and why your mother hid behind a curtain.
Then that awe of opening the letter, seeing 583 words on there, telling you something fascinating happening far, far away. Like your pen pal failing a goat milking test and getting beaten with a whip 40 times a day for 40 days as punishment. But that's just how good discipline works in other countries, so no worries. The kid would grow up to become a successful wife beater and we're all very proud of him with his four wives.
I'm now thinking of reviving the pen pal tradition, and I'll give email another go. With all the censorship in exotic countries like Iran, emails are anyway delayed a few days, so it's almost like the old days minus a mailman.
I'm also taking up art, and developed a special interest in drawing the prophet Muhammad. So I figured if I can get a pen pal in Iran or Pakistan, they will be very impressed. Apparently they don't get to see their favorite pedophile much except in their heads. Especially not in the nude skinny-dipping in a river with the female goat he had an eye on before grabbing her to make her his wife. I'm going to draw that and give my admiring Muslim readers their own red period like Picasso had his blue one.
But how to find a good pen pal in Iran or Pakistan? I know they are very crawled up in the cave when it comes to technology, so 30 years after email services became common in the West, many still don't know how to switch on a computer. And the feature cellphones they still have been only used to detonate bombs they made from the parts of a mysterious tower with the words 'cell' on it.
I will thus write to the Pakistani and Iranian authorities, and inquire from them where I can find someone to be my new best friend. He or she doesn't even have to know how to fly a Boeing into a building. I will also include some of my art to impress them.
Furthermore, I'll even consider having a goat as pen pal. I want the most intelligent chat buddy your country has to offer.
If any of my readers here knows a good Allah joke, like Allah and Muhammad walks into a pig sty and what then, let me know. My pen pal must laugh when reading my email.
After all, one only has true freedom when you can question anything and demand real evidence and laugh about ridiculous beliefs. Imagine, a pedophile on a flying horse. Bwhahaha!
Should my friendly request be refused, well then, who wants to have a mental slave of Islamic camel crap as pen pal anyway.
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